just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
