my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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