Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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