Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
