I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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