I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
this hospital has no fireball
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
