Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
