OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
