I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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