So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
