I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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