Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
