The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
