i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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