That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize