He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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