So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
