nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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