Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
