I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
50% drunk capacity currently
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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