You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
