This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize