She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
