Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
