I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
