there's paper in my vomit.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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