cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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