So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
