I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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