I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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