you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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