This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
