I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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