i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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