A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
