On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
