she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
