It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
