Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
