I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
