new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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