Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
