If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
