You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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