if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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