Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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