i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
