i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
