I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
