I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
And then he peed in my hair
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