just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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