my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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