Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
