If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
