I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
