I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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