i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
