Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
