you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
