Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
