literally had 100 drinks last night.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
