I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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