i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you will always have a special place in my vag
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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