All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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