i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is wine microwaveable?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
