don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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