i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
