and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
